If we were going to be friends - best friends, the best of best friends, I couldn't let myself even think about the secret flame she hadn't seen that night in grade seven, burning between my legs. I could feel them sometimes, moving around my gut, but if they ever came into my mind, if even a second of a daydream about kissing or touching her entered my thoughts, I would shove it back down and slam a door on it. It lived, shoved down deep, a kind of spell or threat, like that song by Alanis Morissette - "Fear of Bliss." Though I knew they were there, I never let my mind open onto the deepest feelings I had for Joc. So there it was inside me, that wrongness, the way I felt about Joc. Everyone would know that deep inside, in the deepest core place, Dylan Kowolski was wrong. And with all the talk about gays and lesbians these days, someone would eventually figure it out. September 15, 2006Ĭouples break up for lots of reasons, but if Cam and I split, that would be why- I was skewed.
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